All 3 of my kids are laying in their beds under my roof tonight. Just a Thursday. Each of us doing whatever our bedtime routine is now. I don't rock anyone to sleep anymore. No more story time or one more last cup of milk to deliver. I do remind them to brush their teeth. Shut off the TV. Say their prayers. Set their alarm. There's a time limit on these days. I hate that sentence. Seriously.
There is a finite number of days when all 3 of my kids will fall asleep under my roof because they all live here. They'll come back and visit but there are only so many Thursday's just like this one left. I can shout out to each of them in my little house and say I love you and they can hear me. That makes me grateful for such a small building. I'm tired most of the time and there aren't enough hours in the day but I wouldn't trade a minute with my kids. And if I'm honest I don't want to share either. I deserve all these minutes. I'm the one who wiped the tears and cleaned the puke and ran the errands and got the last minute night before fill in the blanks. I hope I've given them the roots to find their wings as greeting card as that sounds. I'm certain I've given them a few things to talk to a therapist about because I'm not perfect. I am however, totally devoted and loyal to these beautiful humans I was blessed with. I don't make choices that could harm them. With the exception of the fact that I still smoke and I eat too much cheese and don't do any cardio. I worry more about them than myself. They get the stuff before I do. Sometimes I resent the fact that I have no partner in this and then I remember that I don't have just one I have like 30. Family and friends. Maybe I don't have their father but I really never did and I don't want him. I want these kids all to myself. He doesn't deserve one good night hug, one "this happened at school today", one single extra kiss. Not one "smell my hair" or "hold my backpack" or "where's the toenail clippers". He sucks as a parent and didn't make them a priority ever. What these kids deserved was two parents that were hopelessly devoted to them. They got one. I hope it was enough. In the mean time I'm gonna treasure my Thursday's and Tuesday's and all the days in between until it changes again. Thank you God for my Mason, for my Samantha and for my Declan.
- UPDATE- June 2016
I wrote this but didn't publish it. Since that day back in April my Mason moved out of the house to live with his father until he leaves for boot camp. I'd like to think this was wholly my sons choice but given what I know of his father's manipulative manner I highly doubt it. I understand my boy's desire to be in his father's light because it feels good to have his attention. He makes you feel as though you're the only human that matters once he decides to acknowledge you. He makes you feel like only you can provide what he needs. Point being that even as I wrote this post, laying in bed listening to my kids bicker, things were already changing. The limit for Mason was reached on June 10th, 2016 and that was it. It felt like an earthquake in my soul. Possibly because it wasn't on my terms or on good terms at all. Possibly because as a mother you're not ever prepared for your babies to leave. Either way it's come down to text's he barely responds to and me begging him to come over for dinner. One thing I do know is that regardless the discomfort or sore heart things are exactly the way they are supposed to be. He was taught to be loyal and kind and to look for the good in people, It is time for him to apply that to his father and to see where it takes him. I wish my number one son all the luck in the world and the door is always open at Mom's house.
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