The Dude

I saw on Pinterest once a meme that read "The thing about dating is.. you're either going to break up with the person or marry them'. There it is in a very tight nutshell. Love sucks. We know this. Movies and books are devoted to the topic. Songs are written about it. Pat Benatar is singing one as I type this. A hundred years ago I thought I knew what love was... the romantic kind. Today if you asked I'd not only say I have no clue but I'd add in fuck it anyway for good measure. I 've been dating someone for a few months and admittedly I have no patience but I thought we'd be further along the food chain by now. If you look at my social media you'd suspect that I am in fact dating someone. His....No clue. He allows photos to be added but posts none himself. He did this with the last chick too. The woman he dated prior to me is still on his page and likes all his pictures. Which is fair I suppose because when they were dating I did the same thing.  Maybe he's going back to her? I wouldn't know. I know the world feels differently regarding social media than I do but I don't have ex's on my page. I don't gather new male "friends" who show sexual interest in me. Years of abuse make me leery of all motives. Really WTF is wrong with me? 

22 years with a narcissistic, emotionally abusive drug addict will leave you with some scars. Thing is most of them weren't visible until I developed feelings for Him and I have BIG ones. I don't think I'm so broken that it's a waste to date me and I don't think my baggage is too heavy. Hell.. I'll happily leave that suitcase where it sits for the right guy. Is he the right guy? Too soon to tell. He and I have been friends for a few years and truth be told I've had it bad since we met. Of course getting down upped the ante and now I'm screwed. Literally and figuratively. My damage tells me to trust no one. My past experience tells me that every woman is out to take what I THINK is mine and that every man is willing to go. Maybe this growing knot in my stomach is right.. maybe He is on his way out. Despite the fact that he said he had feelings for me, despite the fact that he said the sex was amazing. Despite the fact that he has met all my family and my kids which NO ONE has done since the addict. Despite the fact that we have a great time together and have a ton of things in common. I try to tell myself it will be His loss, or not to worry that it's all in my head. Truth be told..it's all in my heart and it f u c k i n g hurts.