lies lies lies yeah....

It's a line from an old 80's song by the Thompson Twins - who weren't actually twins..lie number one straight out the gate! We all tell lies and anyone who says they don't is well....lying. Big lies, small lies, white lies whatever it is. I won't say they're all the same because that's not true. Telling someone their butt does not look fat in those jeans they love (when it does) isn't the same as saying you'll be faithful and then cheating.  And just to be clear - leaving parts out of the story is still lying - it's called a lie of omission. Keeping your word in this day and age seems to have gone the way of land lines - old fashioned and unnecessary. I still have a land line and I try to be honest with everyone but most especially myself.  This means making some pretty sweeping changes in my life.....but if you aren't honest with yourself you won't be honest with anyone. The lies we tell ourselves are often the worst and most painful.  We tell ourselves we aren't smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough etc. We lie to ourselves saying "this will be the last time I will do..... fill in the blank".  We've all had that moment. Another old 80's song lyric that comes to mind is "never again is what you swore the time before"....Policy of Truth by Depeche Mode. I could write a whole post just in song titles....hmmm now there's an idea. Be honest - what do you think of that one?
But I digress....It seems to me that it is far easier to just tell the truth, you'll never have to keep track of what you said that way - it frees up SO much brain space. Tell the truth in kindness and don't worry what the other persons reaction will be - that is their responsibility. Lyings' ugly cousin is manipulation and I believe that people often lie to avoid a certain outcome or to try and cause one. Too much work I say.
Bottom line is this - Politicians lie, spouses lie, friends lie, we lie. But you have a choice to stop. Just say no to lying. Tell the truth even when it hurts and let God sort out the details. OK - I'll get off my soap box now. Good night.

the chick in my head

You know who she is...that chick that lives inside your head. She knows everything about you - the good and the bad. She's seen every embarrassing thing you've ever done and she knows your innermost desires. She knows what scares you and what makes you cry. She knows your darkest secrets and won't hesitate to hold them over your head if you let her. She remembers the first time your heart was broken and what his name is. That chick also knows what makes you ridiculously happy and just how to get a smile out of you but she doesn't usually do that. Her real expertise lies in bringing out the negative. She's the one who tells you that you aren't smart enough for that job so don't waste your time. She's the one who suggests that you change your outfit three times before going out because you look fat in that... She's the same one who will tell you over and over again that things will never get better than this...you know what? She's a liar and we all need to tell her to shut the hell up.

where have I been

After so many years you tend to forget who you are- at least this has been true for me. I always defined myself though the music I listened to or the clothes I wore. The concerts I attended and the books I read. My job or what I was studying in school. And of course by who I was dating. Then I became a wife and a mother and my identity shifted. Now I was defined primarily through the actions or inaction's of other people. I still listened to music and read books, and of course attended as many concerts as I could but I was losing myself.  I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until a certain event in my life - a real foundation rocker. It was then, laying in the hospital that it came to my attention that I just might not know who I am any more. How did this happen? It wasn't any one event but a series of little things, choices I made each day to let go of something or stuff it down. To pick up someone else's bad habit or attitude, to put others before myself. I'm not talking about taking care of people, I'm talking about taking better care of others than you do yourself. People pleasing is a disease and if you're not careful it can be terminal. So what next? I begin to reclaim the lost pieces of me one by one - read a new book, check out a new band or re-read my journals. Talking to old friends helps remind me of who I was..look at pictures or ask God because he'll always tell me straight even if it isn't what I want to hear. It's been my experience that there are 3 answers to prayer. Yes, No and Not Right Now....so now I wait for the answer and embrace the pieces of myself as they return.

the perfect man

Recently I was asked what I thought made "the perfect man". After thinking about it for a few days I realized that I know more about what the perfect man isn't than what he is. But - I'm gonna take a stab at a definition anyway. My version of the perfect man would be above all  - faithful. Strenuously, unfailingly, immovably faithful. I don't care if the hottest pole dancer you ever saw is crawling up your leg - you're gonna politely walk away. You will be on guard about casual advances and flirtations. If you get friend requested by some chick you barely know on FB and her profile picture shows half her tits - you're gonna say no. I don't expect that you won't have female friends - I do expect that you will behave in an honorable way. I can give lots of "media" examples of what my perfect guy looks like  - here's a few. Nicholas Cage's character in the movie Family Man....John Cusacks character in pretty much any movie. Even in 2012 - he's divorced and still looking after his family as the world literally crumbles at his feet. I like the image that those guys present. Yeah - I know it's just a movie but I can dream. When we are young our "type" is heavily hormone driven - if theres' chemistry then we're golden right? That can be enough for a long time but there needs to be other things too. A relationship to some sort of Higher Power is necessary. A sense of humor and not the kind where the jokes are always mean or on you. Hardworking, provider, protector - maybe I've been watching too much Mob Wives but aside from the cheating and being incarcerated - I kinda like the way they treat their women. I want a guy that can fix things, work with his hands but still clean up nice and go out fancy. I want someone who likes most of the same music I do. Music is of paramount importance and I think that what you listen to can say a lot about the kind of person you are. If you think that Snoop Doggy Dog is a good dude then chances are your attitudes about women are a little screwed up. Just sayin. Being educated is important too - although not just in a "I went to college" sense. School of hard knocks is fine too....lots of good lessons there. How you feel about family is a big deal. My attitude is there is nothing more important. Whether its your family of origin or one you create for yourself. And then there's the golden rule - treat me the way you would want me to treat you. Period. Pretty simple right? Apparently it's damn near impossible. Don't be selfish or ego driven either - those are probably two of the most unattractive qualities that a man could have. Well - that and being an active addict or alcoholic. At the end of the day I'm gonna be loyal, faithful, caring and honest. I'm trustworthy and if I screw up I'm willing to make amends. I'm gonna kiss your face off and I'm gonna give it my best every day one day at a time. If you're the perfect guy you're gonna do the same.

the soundtrack

What is your soundtrack? The music you hear in your head that brings you back to a time, or pushes you forward when you have no motivation? Who do you listen to that you would die if anyone caught you ? For me the spectrum is wide and varied and since I'm a little more mature than I used to be I can admit a love for Posion as well as Ludacris. Who cares. I am still a music snob though and I'd rather poke out my eye than listen to NKOTSB or whatever they are calling themselves these days. My kids listen to a lot of top 40 and I hope that won't rot their brains. I made great efforts to educate them musically and they could identify the Clash and Jackson Brown by the time they could talk. I guess my parents probably disliked most of what I listened to as well so it's a rite of passage to hate your parents music - at least some of it. I do rest in the knowledge that they will come to their senses some day and we can enjoy a nice punk show together like we did when they were babies and had no choice. Yes, I was the mom who was pregnant at the show..or toting a stroller at the all day festival. I think other people in my group - ten years up or down - probably do the same with their kids - let me know. Who is on your iPod - who do you make your kids listen to in the car? Who do you refuse to listen to? Censored lyrics or not? Let's hear it.....

New Year...Old Habits

January First, 1-1-11...new year's day..whatever you wanna call it - it's always a weird day for me. I never make the usual kind of new year's resolutions..lose 10 pounds, go to the gym, stop smoking etc.. I tend to make the kind that are so much harder to achieve. Improve that relationship, stop being a doormat, get over my insecurities...blah blah blah. The diet and smoking thing...well there are pills to help you keep those resolutions. If only there were a pill for relationships.....or is that what Prozac and Xanax are for? Maybe I'll just go clean out the closet instead. What about you? Am I the only one who still doesn't have this figured out?