Life is weird.
So many really weird situations surrounding me. None of them are situations that I caused but my day to day life will be impacted by the outcome of each one. Friends, family, people I love or have loved in the past are walking a proverbial tight rope. In my head I know I can’t do anything about any of it – I have no dog in the fight as my Grandpa would say. “It’s their journey” is what my Al Anon sponsor tells me, “Let them go and give them to God sweetie”. In my heart I just want things to be calm and good like it is inside the happy bubble I try to live in.
Therein lies the struggle of my life. If I care about you that’s it. I’m all in and good or bad chances are if you have a problem I will try to fix it. I used to be a “fixer” 100% of the time, whether you wanted my help or not. Turns out people don't like uninvited help. Who knew? After many years in recovery, therapy and more than a few hard lessons I realized that my help is only good if someone asks for it and that your problems aren’t in fact, mine too. I have learned slowly over 15 years that I need to fix myself since I’m the only I can control anyway.
That doesn't mean that I am cured from my people pleasing or my need for approval. Sometimes I still trust the wrong people. This is an unfortunate side effect of wearing your heart on your sleeve. Sometimes I still seek validation from people who could give a shit about anything other than their own opinion. I try to remember that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. That's tough because I pretty much like everyone until they give me a reason not to.
So many really weird situations surrounding me. None of them are situations that I caused but my day to day life will be impacted by the outcome of each one. Friends, family, people I love or have loved in the past are walking a proverbial tight rope. In my head I know I can’t do anything about any of it – I have no dog in the fight as my Grandpa would say. “It’s their journey” is what my Al Anon sponsor tells me, “Let them go and give them to God sweetie”. In my heart I just want things to be calm and good like it is inside the happy bubble I try to live in.
Therein lies the struggle of my life. If I care about you that’s it. I’m all in and good or bad chances are if you have a problem I will try to fix it. I used to be a “fixer” 100% of the time, whether you wanted my help or not. Turns out people don't like uninvited help. Who knew? After many years in recovery, therapy and more than a few hard lessons I realized that my help is only good if someone asks for it and that your problems aren’t in fact, mine too. I have learned slowly over 15 years that I need to fix myself since I’m the only I can control anyway.
That doesn't mean that I am cured from my people pleasing or my need for approval. Sometimes I still trust the wrong people. This is an unfortunate side effect of wearing your heart on your sleeve. Sometimes I still seek validation from people who could give a shit about anything other than their own opinion. I try to remember that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. That's tough because I pretty much like everyone until they give me a reason not to.
All that being said I’m human and sometimes I still think I
know how YOU should act, or how YOU should handle your problem. The truth is I
never do. I watch these situations swirling around my happy bubble like a pack of colorful
tornadoes. Each color I see represents the person at the center of the storm. I
get bumped by the green one, knocked flat on my ass by the red one, tipped on
my side by the blue one but mostly it’s just duck and cover. How can I keep
your mess from landing on me? Hell if I know. I admire the people who can completely remove themselves
from another person and just not give a shit. At all. No fucks given. I’m
working on that but that’s a different kind of tightrope.
I wonder if I’m the only person connected to all these
situations that sees them like this. I do know when you’re in the tornado you can’t
see a damn thing. Hindsight is 20/20 and all those other cliches. When the dust
settles and all these situations are resolved I’ll comb through the wreckage and
see what’s left standing and what’s not. I’m not bitter or sad. I believe there’s
a valuable lesson for me in each of these situations the trick is not missing it.
And this is my life. Weird, colorful and occasionally painful.
You pretty much just wrote my story here Melisa. You did a bang up job of it to. We care givers do give a damn about others. I'm always trying to fix things for people I care about. Most of it has to be done with prayer though. Only God can do the impossible.
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