"Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you're pretty, sexy and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with" -

 Carrie Bradshaw.

Most days I would say I agree with this. Today isn't one of those days. I am lonely. I know that my kids, my friends, my family, my church, my career should be enough but today I'm not feeling it. Today I am feeling less than. If I'm so pretty, sexy and smart then why am I solo? My ex isn't solo. My buddy who's divorce is just now final isn't. My logical side agrees with the principle of being single while raising kids. They need a stable parent. Today my choice feels like back when I was "staying together for the kids". Not that I have so many other more attractive options but like I said, today I'm a little sour. My logical side says these folks in relationships might be just as lonely or whatever other adjective, as me. That I am better off alone for the right reasons then with someone for the wrong ones. Yeah yeah yeah. Today I say phooey. I want a man to tell me I'm pretty and not one I'm related to. I want to feel wanted and for longer than an hour or two because I have the "friend with benefits"... At this point after almost 2 years of back and forth he's more like a really reticent boyfriend but I can't call him that. Against the rules. Logic and self help books say I deserve better. Today it's all I've got. Let me be clear, I don't want an all the time, up in my business boyfriend. I only want to take care of my kids but I'd like more than I have. Attention, some affection, a date now and then. Someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch a movie. Someone who's laundry I don't have to do, someone who doesn't think I want rescuing. Someone to steal glances across a room with. For all the things my ex husband wasn't he did proudly claim me as his. Damn straight! I was a great wife and someday I may make a great girlfriend. For now I would be quite happy with a man who was only sleeping with me, who handles his own shit and leaves me to do the same.  What I want is probably akin to a unicorn. And as easy to find. Oh well. That's just how I feel today. Tomorrow will be a new day. 

Dork magnet

Standing in an impossibly long line at Starbucks trying to kill some time before a doctors appointment it occurs to me.... I am a bonafide dork magnet. I've been single now going on almost 2 years and in that time I've gone on a handful of dates, 6 to be exact. It's not easy being a 40 year old single mom and trying to meet people. Especially if you're not inclined to dancing on tables or hanging out at bars. I tried the Internet dating thing and that got me 3 people. All dorks in one way or another. The one who knew my ex husband and still lived with his mom, the one who wanted to become the Brady bunch after the first date and Spear man. Ahh.. Spear man.... Any of my close friends who read this post will remember him. At the end of our date, after telling me that while he finds me extremely attractive he won't be having sex with me until we are married, he gave me a spear. Full on authentic South American tribal spear. Most guys just bring flowers. Dork. Which brings me to today. Back at Starbucks waiting to order my non fat vanilla latte the guy behind me strikes up a conversation based on the tattoo on my foot. "So you like Seattle huh"? "Must be a big nirvana fan". Nope. It's Chicago. Can't stand Nirvana. "Cool he says, I'm getting a vanilla latte too... How about you let me buy yours and we go have a chat on the patio"? IF I hadn't been on my way to a doctors appointment and IF he hadn't been wearing a size schmedium t-shirt and sporting a hipster pseudo beard I might've considered his proposal. He looked confused when I said thanks but no thanks. Dork. My girlfriend Kim says I need to "put myself out there more". So I'm trying... But this week has been too much. Tuesday on a late night run to Von's for milk and coffee I was followed to my car by a guy with a considerable beer belly AND a case of beer under his harm who felt the need to tell me I was beautiful. Thanks for the compliment. It might've been more flattering if he didn't look like Don Johnson's bloated, older brother. Dork. I am a dork magnet. I can't say I don't get hit on or asked out. I just get DORKS.