I'm only happy when it rains

Shirley Manson said it and I agree...I'm not ONLY happy when it rains but there's something peaceful about a rainy day. Especially when it comes at the end of a year...like Mother Nature's way of giving everything a good rinse to make a fresh start for the New Year. A good rain is a literal and figurative bath. For the Earth and for us. The streets are a little cleaner and so are our cars. The cobwebs under the eaves look like they've been decorated with diamonds when the rain hits them. Maybe we need to be more like the spiders? Because unlike the nursery rhyme says ..the rain does NOT wash the spider out. Those sons a bitches hang on like nothing I've ever seen. Or maybe it's better to just let go.
 Let go of all the ick, the hurt, the disappointment. Let the rain wash ME out. I want to stand in the middle of a field with my arms outstretched and let the rain soak me to the bone. Until my hair looks crazy and my sweatshirt droops off my arms, mud under my feet. Let the rain rinse away the painful moments, the days that were like getting your finger pinched in a car door. The days that left scars on my heart and wrinkles on my forehead. Wash off the dust of relationships that won't be following me into the next 365 days. Rain drops falling on my head like Chinese water torture, tap tap tap...reminding me to let out the thoughts that don't serve my purpose. I like the idea that the rain is pure, straight from Heaven and kind of like a big, wet hug from my family who's not on the planet with me anymore. The rain can wash things clean and make it look shiny and pretty again. The way streets always look in movies as the Guy stands off in the distance beckoning to the Girl from under a streetlight. Rain makes puddles with the runoff motor oil on top that even though its really just half pollution we're looking at, the colors swirling around are still pretty. Kind of like all of us... half messy and half beautiful at the same time.
I am happy when it rains. I am happy that it's coming at the end of a year. Like most years before it, this one has been filled with challenges and treasures. Stuff I'll keep and stuff I'll try hard to let go. I still have more questions than answers but I'm learning that acceptance is best. Just let it all pool up like the puddles on my porch and when there's too much it will spill over and recycle. Yep.
My pagan heart always gets the reminder it needs in God's perfect timing. Let that shit go,,,,let the rain wash it away and then put on my boots and stomp in some puddles!

The Dude part 2

I was right. He WAS on his way out and now he's gone. I don't think it was for someone else necessarily. Maybe it was just for himself but the end result is the same. I am alone again. This time I'm angry. Angry that he played me and bargained against my feelings. Angry that he made himself a part of things, of memories he had no right to if he didn't intend to stay. A dear male friend of mine told me that guys do exactly what they want. They only want women to think they're adorably clueless. That way they're not the bad guy. No one wants to be the bad guy right? If it's being a bad guy to pull someone's covers then fuck it I'm it. I'm the bad guy. It's so easy to just be honest that it's difficult apparently. Be honest with yourself first and then maybe you can be honest with someone else. Here's my truth. I am scared of being hurt, lied to, played. As a result of that fear I don't trust easily. I did trust this time. And all the things I was afraid of happened. I think the victory was in simply trusting again, regardless the outcome. That was progress for me. Thanks Dude. Next time it'll be more than a friendship turned sexual. Next time I'll be valued for all of who I am and whoever he is will be honest enough with himself to be honest with me.