Anchors away

Third cup of coffee, fuzzy socks and funky two day worn sweats seems like the right get up to watch "Made of Honor" and run down the list of things I can't forget to take to my sons going away party. He's leaving for bootcamp in 9 days. NINE DAYS until my number one son will leave home forever. Yeah...I'm being dramatic but this is big shit. This young man changed my life. This is the best stress I've ever been under. Anxious for all the right reasons. He's a good boy. A little too like his father sometimes and not in the ways I would've chosen if I could have fished qualities out of his gene pool. My son is also half me. He carries with him the best that is in me and some of the not so great too. He's perfectly himself and I'm sure he'll do great. I worry about him alone on a ship floating in the ocean God knows where. Who will he meet on his journey? Will they be good people? Will they lead him astray? It's out of my hands. I've taught him all I can and I can only hope it's been enough. For now.... I finished the decorations. Made the scrapbook and all that's left to be done is celebrate the amazing young man I call my son.  

That kind of love

2:32 in the morning...I can't sleep. Two cups of warm milk haven't worked. Afraid to take melatonin since I need to be up in a few hours. Instead I'm writing and watching P.S. I Love You and crying. Not even sure why I'm crying except that my heart is sore and it has been all day. I watched a beautiful wedding ceremony today. It hurt. I remember being so sincerely in love before. Wide awake in the middle of the night I wonder if I ever will be again. I have ... I think,  but not being able to tell the other person how I feel makes it hard to tell. When you're twenty something and in love it's easy to just be in love. You float along on it ...the emotion carries you across your days. When you're in your forties its different. You're scared to tell the other person. What if they don't feel the same way? What if they do? When I was younger it seemed like all I had to do was decide which person and head off in that direction. Maybe if I packed up my insecurities and damage from the past it would still be that way.  What I have found is that all the directions I've headed in turned out to be dead ends and I'm tired of hitting my head against the wall. I watched those two gorgeous people pledge their vows and all I wanted to do was to freeze that moment, make it so things NEVER changed for them. Don't mistake me, I'm not jealous of new love, old love, real love. It is a beautiful thing to see and as horrible luck would have it, I miss it.
I do have a lot of love in my life - family, friends, my beautiful kiddos but I want THAT love again. The kind that makes you feel like anything is possible just cuz he called today. The kind where you spend hours not doing much of anything but it's perfect. Where he is concerned for you as much as you are for him. Until I find that again I'll keep on keeping on and wait for him whoever he is. Hopefully he's tall, loves the same music I do, digs my kids, the same sports teams as me, or at least isn't an Angels fan, loves his family and his friends and is fiercely loyal. Too much?
Who knows...I may die waiting.