the chick in my head

You know who she is...that chick that lives inside your head. She knows everything about you - the good and the bad. She's seen every embarrassing thing you've ever done and she knows your innermost desires. She knows what scares you and what makes you cry. She knows your darkest secrets and won't hesitate to hold them over your head if you let her. She remembers the first time your heart was broken and what his name is. That chick also knows what makes you ridiculously happy and just how to get a smile out of you but she doesn't usually do that. Her real expertise lies in bringing out the negative. She's the one who tells you that you aren't smart enough for that job so don't waste your time. She's the one who suggests that you change your outfit three times before going out because you look fat in that... She's the same one who will tell you over and over again that things will never get better than this...you know what? She's a liar and we all need to tell her to shut the hell up.

where have I been

After so many years you tend to forget who you are- at least this has been true for me. I always defined myself though the music I listened to or the clothes I wore. The concerts I attended and the books I read. My job or what I was studying in school. And of course by who I was dating. Then I became a wife and a mother and my identity shifted. Now I was defined primarily through the actions or inaction's of other people. I still listened to music and read books, and of course attended as many concerts as I could but I was losing myself.  I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until a certain event in my life - a real foundation rocker. It was then, laying in the hospital that it came to my attention that I just might not know who I am any more. How did this happen? It wasn't any one event but a series of little things, choices I made each day to let go of something or stuff it down. To pick up someone else's bad habit or attitude, to put others before myself. I'm not talking about taking care of people, I'm talking about taking better care of others than you do yourself. People pleasing is a disease and if you're not careful it can be terminal. So what next? I begin to reclaim the lost pieces of me one by one - read a new book, check out a new band or re-read my journals. Talking to old friends helps remind me of who I was..look at pictures or ask God because he'll always tell me straight even if it isn't what I want to hear. It's been my experience that there are 3 answers to prayer. Yes, No and Not Right Now....so now I wait for the answer and embrace the pieces of myself as they return.