The Never Agains

 As I’m lounging in my nightly bubble bath it occurs to me there are quite a few things I’ll never do again in my life. I’ll never have my very first kiss again, never feel those butterflies in my stomach as the handsome young man touches my cheek just before he kisses me and my shirt smells like Ralph Lauren’s Polo for hours after he leaves. I’ll never lose my virginity again and then sit on a porch looking at the night sky, wrapped in a scratchy peach bedspread sharing a clove cigarette with the love of my teenage life.  I’ll never give birth again. No more epidurals or big, post delivery granny panties for me. It makes sense of course, those times in my life have passed but the realization of it is sitting weird with me. Who knows why this hit me tonight besides maybe the water being too hot. Nah that’s not a thing. If your skin isn’t tomato red when you get out did you even take a bath?? But I digress .. back to the never agains. Sounds  like bad 90’s pop band am I right?  Lots of firsts aren’t supposed to be repeated. They’re supposed to become never agains. Like the first time I lost a loved one and had to figure out what to wear to the funeral, what to say at the wake. Or the first time I got pulled over or my first car accident. Some never agains are bittersweet.  I’ll never wear a big, white wedding dress again, standing at the top of an aisle with my Dad waiting for the music to start but I’ll also never have my heart broken again like it was that first time. Nothing ever hurts that bad twice.  Some firsts I’ll never forget like that first kiss or the first time I took a pregnancy test and wasn’t scared of  the results. Some lasts I can’t remember. I can’t remember the last time I went out to play with my friends in the neighborhood. I don’t remember the last time I hugged my grandparents before they each got sick and things changed. I’m probably not supposed to remember those lasts. I do remember the last time I didn’t trust my gut and doubted my instincts when it came to a relationship, I remember the last time I got played. Those are more never agains. I guess what I’ve come to realize as the bubbles all pop and the water turns cold is that it’s ok to have a case of the never agains. It clears space for the firsts that are yet to come. 

Right combination

Fairly certain I just need the right combination of coffee, moisturizer, music and maybe an inspirational movie in the back ground and I can handle anything. I can tackle the pile of paperwork on the desk, I can tackle the after holiday rubble in disarray in the garage and I can even address the ugliness of a dormant, winter yard in SoCal. What I can’t ever seem to fully conquer is my heart. My silly, romantic, idealistic heart. I haven’t found the correct combination of anything that can help me tackle that. It rules me more than my brain most days. If you asked me if I was “into” hearts I would have said no and then I noticed I have 6 hearts tattooed on my body. I have about 10 Christmas ornaments with hearts on them. I love hearts including my own. It’s been broken, tossed aside, ignored. underestimated, operated on and yet it still works. It pumps the blood and holds all the most important memories. So I’ve asked my heart what the right combination is and here’s what it told me-it requires respect, humor, reciprocal effort, honesty, fiber. lots of hugs from my kids, Sunday dinners with family a bit of exercise and as much music and inspirational movies as I can absorb. This is what’s needed to keep it in good working order. I doubt I’ll ever be able to reign in the idealism or the hopeless romanticism. Maybe it’s not supposed to be reigned in. For today I’ll just catch up on some movies, put a moisturizing mask on my face, handle that paperwork and order some Metamucil. Good working order indeed.