Recently someone lectured me about the fact that 6 years post-divorce
I am still single. It’s true. I am but I don’t view this as a problem. Going through a divorce is hard work as
anyone who has done it can tell you. There are knots to untie, messes to clean
up and lessons to be learned if you do it right. You could choose to jump right
into a new relationship, lots pf people do but I chose to focus on the work and
trying to see my own part in the failure of my marriage so that I wouldn’t make
the same mistakes again should there be a next time. There’s also a fair amount
of grief involved, at least for me there was. The loss of the dreams I had for
my life and for my kids’ lives..the happy ever after that wasn’t going to look
the way I had planned. Divorce is kinda like a death and trying to renegotiate
that other persons place in your life moving forward can be tricky.
If you have kids with the ex then that’s a whole other layer
to the onion. Some people choose to walk away from parenting or to make up for
“lost time” with partying but I made a choice to put my kids and their needs
before mine. I don’t regret that decision or its results. My kids needed to
have as much stability as could be gathered in the middle of the shit storm. If
I did date or go out with friends it was typically only when they were visiting
their father since I don’t subscribe to the “meet Uncle so-and –so” theory of
single mom dating. I didn’t want one more cliché in my life or theirs. We have
a bucketful already.
Truth be told – I didn’t have the energy or time to devote
to learning about a new person. I was busy for years trying to unlearn all the
things I knew about my former spouse. I also needed to unlearn my own unhealthy
patterns and I needed to teach my kids that despite pain, betrayal and fear you
can keep moving. You can be happy even if the fairytale implodes. I want them
to know that it is ok to trust people and it is also ok to decide that people
are untrustworthy. I want them to cultivate healthy boundaries and take care of
themselves without being self-absorbed. In order to teach those things I needed
to be doing those things and no.. a man didn’t really fit into that picture.
My bullshit meter is set on high at all times. I pay
attention to the red flags and when I see one I run. I make no apologies for
cutting a guy out after one date or 27. A couple of guys have managed to fly
under my radar over the years and one even met my kids. Even though he turned
out to be a mistake I am grateful for the growth. My kids are older now and if
I want to spend time focusing on dating I can do that. As it turns out I enjoy
being single. I like not having to answer to anyone else. I enjoy my big groups
of friends and all our activities. I like making my own schedule. I am not
without love by a long shot it just doesn’t come from one single human..it
comes from many. I have become selfish with my time and I choose to only spend
my hours on people who are trustworthy, loving and real. I hate the “ I don’t
need a man” mantra but I really don’t. If that makes me defective in someone
else’s opinion then that’s just fine by me. I like who I see in the
mirror..minus the wrinkles I’d like to remove.
