Ramblings of a Mom

With another Mother's Day fast approaching I find myself reflective of all the MD's past.When I was a gangly, little freckle-faced kid I made necklaces out of macaroni painted with tempura paint and strung on scratchy yarn and my mom wore them like they were the Hope Diamond. I made burnt toast and runny eggs and my mom ate it like she was dining at the Ritz. I watched my parents honor their own mothers on Mother's Day and every day in between and as a result my brother and I learned to do the same. My own turn came and my kids made me bouquets of tissue paper flowers that I keep in a Waterford crystal vase. I have some of the same Hope Diamonds that my mom once had and I too have dined at the Ritz (while never leaving my own bed). One year, after my divorce I was working on Mother's Day serving food in a diner to other moms and came home from the shift to a spotlessly clean house, the beaming faces of my kids who made me love note cards by hand and a gift from my own mom who never fails to tell me that she thinks I'm doing a great job or to redirect me whenever the opposite is true. There are days, like yesterday, where all 3 of my kids needed to be in separate places at the same time and the weight and frustration of being a single mom broke me. I yelled and complained and ranted like the over tired, under-caffeinated, newly nicotine free lunatic that I was in that moment. Thank God kids are resilient and hopefully they will forgive me. I hate that I don't get to spend lazy summer vacation days with them like I got to when I was a Stay at Home mom, but I am so grateful that I DID get to do those things with them. I am grateful for the job that allows me to buy the extras. I hate that life has changed so much from what I intended it to be at their baby showers but I am grateful that I get to show them what it looks like to redirect when life throws you a curve ball. I hate that I turn into a crabby ass sometimes, but I am grateful that I get the chance to make amends and show them that growth is what life is all about. I get to watch THEM grow into wonderful people. I tell them I might not always like what you do or say but I will always love you. I mean it. I learn with every new parental trial and joy that they are each walking their own unique path and I'm just kind of a tour-guide that God trusted to walk with them for a time. I love those 3 humans more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person, it's really kind of strange. I love being their mom, more than I love music, books or Chicago. I remember so clearly long days of  rocking and singing, diapering and cleaning and cleaning and stacking and schlepping gear and toys and thinking that I had forever ahead of me. I am crying as I write this because I feel more sharply this year than ever that my days with them are not actually never ending. There will come a time, sooner than I think, when they strike out on their own, like they are supposed to and our relationship will change again. I can only pray that I have given more than I took, built them up enough to withstand the world they will navigate in and not have given them too much fodder for the counselor's couch. I hope that I am hitting more than I miss and that my kids will do the same for their own kids should they decide to take this journey. I thank the Moms in my life that gave me whatever skills I do have and for the God that watches over us all. Be gentle with yourselves. Happy almost Mother's Day everyone. "Behind every great kid is a mom whose pretty sure she's screwing it up" - Pinterest Quote.